ΕΚΕΙΝΗ...: Βρέχει απόψε...

26/5/07

Βρέχει απόψε...

Βρέχει απόψε... Σπίτι. Μπροστά στο λάπτοπ. Κι οι συνειρμοί πάνε κι έρχονται...

Δύσκολες οι δυο εβδομάδες που πέρασαν. Ασφυκτικά γεμάτες. Το γραφείο, η κλινική, το συνέδριο, οι μεταφράσεις, η γιορτή μου... Κι η προσπάθεια, ίδια πάντα... Να ζήσω ακολουθώντας την επιθυμία... Όσο γίνεται... Όσο μπορώ...

Κι όλο δε φτάνει ο χρόνος... Και, να που απόψε, τελείωσαν πια οι δυο εβδομάδες... Και να που είμαι πια σπίτι... Κι ετοιμάζομαι να κοιμηθώ...

Το γραφείο προχωρεί καλά... Όπως πάντα με δύσκολες και πιο εύκολες στιγμές, μα κάθε στιγμή διαφορετικά ενδιαφέρουσα... Η κλινική πάντα με τις δυσκολίες, τα απρόοπτα και τις ιδιαιτερότητές της... Το συνέδριο πήγε καλά! Εντυπωσιάστηκα πρέπει να πω... Άκουσα, σκέφτηκα, συνάντησα ανθρώπους που πραγματικά είχαν κάτι ουσιαστικό να πουν, προβληματίστηκα... Οι μεταφράσεις προχωρούν... Σταθερά αυτές τις ημέρες... Μ'αρέσουν οι μεταφράσεις... Το παιχνίδι με τις λέξεις, με τα νοήματα... Δεν είναι απλό να βρεις την κατάλληλη λέξη κάθε φορά που θα αποδίδει το νόημα όσο ακριβέστερα γίνεται...

Όλα προχωρούν... Κι απόψε βρέχει... Και πάντα μου άρεσε η βροχή... Κι απόψε μου θύμισε εκείνη την αφίσα της κόκκινης ταινίας του Κισλόφσκι... Την τρίτη της τριλογίας... Την είχα δει στην Τουλούζη, το 1995 αν δεν κάνω λάθος, μια βροχερή βραδιά... Σα να πρόκειται για μια άλλη ζωή νιώθω πιά... Σα να πρόκειται για κάποιον άλλον... Πάνε τόσα χρόνια από τότε... Τότε που ένιωθα στο σπίτι μου στη Γαλλία, κι έλεγα, δε θα ξαναγυρίσω στην Ελλάδα... Κι όμως γύρισα... Και έκανα καλά.

Χίλιες σκέψεις περνούν απ'το νου μου... Μα η ανάγκη για ύπνο, ισχυρότερη, υπερνικά την ανάγκη έκφρασης...

Καλή σου νύχτα άγνωστε φίλε, "hypocrite lecteur, mon semblable, mon frère"...

Καλή ξεκούραση...

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ΑΝΑΖΗΤΗΣΗ

Οι πολιτείες ήτανε λευκές, οι νύχτες φορτωμένες βαριές αναμνήσεις
Θολά προμηνύματα για κάποια μακρινά κι αναπότρεπτα ταξίδια
Τώρα πια δε φωνάζω τώρα πια δε σκέφτομαι κάτι σταμάτησε μέσα μου
Μπορώ να δω τη μορφή μου στον καθρέφτη΄ μπορώ να διακρίνω μια μάσκα χλωμή κι ολότελα ξένη.

Θά'ρθω μια μέρα, γυμνός απ'αγάπη και μίσος
Αλύγιστος κι αδυσώπητος, μ'οδηγό τη σιωπή μου και σύντροφο.
Φίλε: αν νομίζεις πως δεν ήρθα πάλι αργά, δείξε μου κάποιο δρόμο
Εσύ που ξέρεις τουλάχιστον πως γυρεύω ένα τίποτα για να πιστέψω πολύ και να πεθάνω.

(Μανόλης Αναγνωστάκης)

Αντιθεση...

Ανυπότακτα μάτια πυρετού / Βεντάλιες θρυμματίζουν τη μέρα / Λικνίζουν τη σκέψη / Ποντίζουν το συναίσθημα / Αναμοχλεύουν τα χαμόγελα της προσμονής / Στα καντηλέρια του έρωτα / Πόθου στηρίγματα, σκαλωσιές / Σκαρφαλώματα κι ανάσες / Ακουμπίσματα κι έπειτα γκρεμοί / Μια πάνω και μια κάτω / Πόσο τιμάται η γαλήνη; / Πώς κοινωνείς το μοίρασμα; / Οιδίποδας δρομέας / Αντιγόνη τυφλή / Σκεπάσματα υδραργύρου / Βουβές φωνές άρνησης / Στίξεις στο άπειρο / Που ηχούν στο κενό / Προσανάμματα στοργής / Κάρβουνα σε θύελλα / Διάτρητα μυαλά θέλγουν / Χαμένα σε υδάτινους καθρέφτες / Πως συναντάς εκείνο που είσαι; / Πώς κρύβεται το βλέμμα απ’ το είδωλό του; / Σκοτεινές ερημιές πάμφωτης σκέψης / Φλεγόμενοι ψίθυροι κρυστάλλων / Ορύγματα γέλιου και πανικού / Αναστάτωση αρμονικών φωνημάτων / Πόσες γυναίκες είμαι; / Άλγος εμβρύων 25.ΙΧ.2003

Οι κούφιοι άνθρωποι

είμαστε οι κούφιοι άνθρωποι,
οι βαλσαμωμένοι άνθρωποι
σκύβοντας μαζί
κεφαλοκαύκι γεμισμένο άχυρο. Aλίμονο!
οι στεγνές φωνές μας όταν
ψιθυρίζουμε μαζί
είναι ήσυχες κι ανόητες
σαν άνεμος σε ξερό χορτάρι
ή πόδια ποντικών σε σπασμένο γυαλί
στο ξερό μας κελάρι

σχήμα χωρίς μορφή, σκιά χωρίς χρώμα,
παραλυμένη δύναμη, χειρονομία χωρίς κίνηση

αυτοί που πέρασαν
με ολόισια μάτια, στου θανάτου το άλλο βασίλειο
μας θυμούνται -αν καθόλου μας θυμούνται-
σαν κούφιους ανθρώπους
σα βαλσαμωμένους

μάτια δεν τολμώ να δω στα όνειρα
στου θανάτου το ονειρικό βασίλειο
αυτά δεν εμφανίζονται εκεί:
τα μάτια είναι
ηλιόφως σε μια σπασμένη κολώνα
εκεί, είναι ένα δέντρο χορεύοντας
και φωνές
στου ανέμου το τραγούδισμα
πιο μακρινές και πιο τελεστικές
από ένα μαραμένο αστέρι

ας είμαι όχι πιο κοντά
στου θανάτου το ονειρικό βασίλειο
ας φορέσω επίσης
τις μεταμφιέσεις
αρουραίου τρίχωμα, κοράκου δέρμα, κουρελούδες
σ' έναν αγρό
φερόμενος όπως φέρεται ο άνεμος
όχι πιο κοντά

όχι αυτή την τελική συνάντηση
στου λυκόφωτος το βασίλειο

αυτή είναι η νεκρή χώρα
αυτή είναι του κάκτου η χώρα
εδώ τα πέτρινα είδωλα
σηκώνονται, εδώ λαμβάνουν
την ικεσία ενός χεριού νεκρού ανθρώπου
κάτω απ' το σπίθισμα σβησμένου άστρου

αυτό είναι σαν αυτό
στου θανάτου το άλλο βασίλειο
ξυπνώντας μόνοι
την ώρα που είμαστε
τρέμοντας με τρυφερότητα
χείλη που θα φιλούσαν
κάνουν προσευχές σε τσακισμένες πέτρες

αόμματοι
αν δεν τα μάτια μας ξαναφανούν
όπως το αέναο άστρο
του πολύφυλλου ρόδου
στου θανάτου το λυκοφωτικό βασίλειο
η ελπίδα μόνο
των κενών ανθρώπων
των άδειων ανθρώπων

μεταξύ ιδέας
και πραγματικότητας
μεταξύ κίνησης
και δράσης
πέφτει η σκιά

μεταξύ αντίληψης
και δημιουργίας
πέφτει η σκιά

η ζωή είναι πολύ μακριά

μεταξύ πόθου
και σπασμού
μεταξύ δύναμης
και ύπαρξης
μεταξύ ουσίας
και πτώσης
πέφτει η σκιά
γιατί δικό σου είναι το βασίλειο

γιατί δική σου είναι η ζωή
γιατί η ζωή σου είναι δική σου
δική σου

αυτός είναι ο τρόπος που τελειώνει ο κόσμος
όχι μ' ένα πάταγο αλλά μ' ένα λυγμό

(Τ.Σ. Έλιοτ, 1925 - Μετάφραση Α. Νικολαϊδης)

THE HOWL - Allen Ginsberg

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night, who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the academies for crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull, who cowered in unshaven rooms in underwear, burning their money in wastebaskets and listening to the Terror through the wall, who got busted in their pubic beards returning through Laredo with a belt of marijuana for New York, who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in Paradise Alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, alcohol and cock and endless balls, incomparable blind; streets of shuddering cloud and lightning in the mind leaping toward poles of Canada & Paterson, illuminating all the motionless world of Time between, Peyote solidities of halls, backyard green tree cemetery dawns, wine drunkenness over the rooftops, storefront boroughs of teahead joyride neon blinking traffic light, sun and moon and tree vibrations in the roaring winter dusks of Brooklyn, ashcan rantings and kind king light of mind, who chained themselves to subways for the endless ride from Battery to holy Bronx on benzedrine until the noise of wheels and children brought them down shuddering mouth-wracked and battered bleak of brain all drained of brilliance in the drear light of Zoo, who sank all night in submarine light of Bickford's floated out and sat through the stale beer after noon in desolate Fugazzi's, listening to the crack of doom on the hydrogen jukebox, who talked continuously seventy hours from park to pad to bar to Bellevue to museum to the Brooklyn Bridge, lost battalion of platonic conversationalists jumping down the stoops off fire escapes off windowsills off Empire State out of the moon, yacketayakking screaming vomiting whispering facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks and shocks of hospitals and jails and wars, whole intellects disgorged in total recall for seven days and nights with brilliant eyes, meat for the Synagogue cast on the pavement, who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey leaving a trail of ambiguous picture postcards of Atlantic City Hall, suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone-grindings and migraines of China under junk-withdrawal in Newark's bleak furnished room, who wandered around and around at midnight in the railroad yard wondering where to go, and went, leaving no broken hearts, who lit cigarettes in boxcars boxcars boxcars racketing through snow toward lonesome farms in grandfather night, who studied Plotinus Poe St. John of the Cross telep- athy and bop kabbalah because the cosmos instinctively vibrated at their feet in Kansas, who loned it through the streets of Idaho seeking visionary indian angels who were visionary indian angels, who thought they were only mad when Baltimore gleamed in supernatural ecstasy, who jumped in limousines with the Chinaman of Oklahoma on the impulse of winter midnight street light smalltown rain, who lounged hungry and lonesome through Houston seeking jazz or sex or soup, and followed the brilliant Spaniard to converse about America and Eternity, a hopeless task, and so took ship to Africa, who disappeared into the volcanoes of Mexico leaving behind nothing but the shadow of dungarees and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in fire place Chicago, who reappeared on the West Coast investigating the F.B.I. in beards and shorts with big pacifist eyes sexy in their dark skin passing out incomprehensible leaflets, who burned cigarette holes in their arms protesting the narcotic tobacco haze of Capitalism, who distributed Supercommunist pamphlets in Union Square weeping and undressing while the sirens of Los Alamos wailed them down, and wailed down Wall, and the Staten Island ferry also wailed, who broke down crying in white gymnasiums naked and trembling before the machinery of other skeletons, who bit detectives in the neck and shrieked with delight in policecars for committing no crime but their own wild cooking pederasty and intoxication, who howled on their knees in the subway and were dragged off the roof waving genitals and manuscripts, who let themselves be fucked in the ass by saintly motorcyclists, and screamed with joy, who blew and were blown by those human seraphim, the sailors, caresses of Atlantic and Caribbean love, who balled in the morning in the evenings in rose gardens and the grass of public parks and cemeteries scattering their semen freely to whomever come who may, who hiccuped endlessly trying to giggle but wound up with a sob behind a partition in a Turkish Bath when the blond & naked angel came to pierce them with a sword, who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the one eyed shrew of the heterosexual dollar the one eyed shrew that winks out of the womb and the one eyed shrew that does nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden threads of the craftsman's loom, who copulated ecstatic and insatiate with a bottle of beer a sweetheart a package of cigarettes a candle and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness, who sweetened the snatches of a million girls trembling in the sunset, and were red eyed in the morning but prepared to sweeten the snatch of the sun rise, flashing buttocks under barns and naked in the lake, who went out whoring through Colorado in myriad stolen night-cars, N.C., secret hero of these poems, cocksman and Adonis of Denver-joy to the memory of his innumerable lays of girls in empty lots & diner backyards, moviehouses' rickety rows, on mountaintops in caves or with gaunt waitresses in familiar roadside lonely petticoat upliftings & especially secret gas-station solipsisms of johns, & hometown alleys too, who faded out in vast sordid movies, were shifted in dreams, woke on a sudden Manhattan, and picked themselves up out of basements hung over with heartless Tokay and horrors of Third Avenue iron dreams & stumbled to unemployment offices, who walked all night with their shoes full of blood on the snowbank docks waiting for a door in the East River to open to a room full of steamheat and opium, who created great suicidal dramas on the apartment cliff-banks of the Hudson under the wartime blue floodlight of the moon & their heads shall be crowned with laurel in oblivion, who ate the lamb stew of the imagination or digested the crab at the muddy bottom of the rivers of Bowery, who wept at the romance of the streets with their pushcarts full of onions and bad music, who sat in boxes breathing in the darkness under the bridge, and rose up to build harpsichords in their lofts, who coughed on the sixth floor of Harlem crowned with flame under the tubercular sky surrounded by orange crates of theology, who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty incantations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish, who cooked rotten animals lung heart feet tail borsht & tortillas dreaming of the pure vegetable kingdom, who plunged themselves under meat trucks looking for an egg, who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade, who cut their wrists three times successively unsuccessfully, gave up and were forced to open antique stores where they thought they were growing old and cried, who were burned alive in their innocent flannel suits on Madison Avenue amid blasts of leaden verse & the tanked-up clatter of the iron regiments of fashion & the nitroglycerine shrieks of the fairies of advertising & the mustard gas of sinister intelligent editors, or were run down by the drunken taxicabs of Absolute Reality, who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge this actually happened and walked away unknown and forgotten into the ghostly daze of Chinatown soup alley ways & firetrucks, not even one free beer, who sang out of their windows in despair, fell out of the subway window, jumped in the filthy Passaic, leaped on negroes, cried all over the street, danced on broken wineglasses barefoot smashed phonograph records of nostalgic European 1930s German jazz finished the whiskey and threw up groaning into the bloody toilet, moans in their ears and the blast of colossal steam whistles, who barreled down the highways of the past journeying to each other's hotrod-Golgotha jail-solitude watch or Birmingham jazz incarnation, who drove crosscountry seventytwo hours to find out if I had a vision or you had a vision or he had a vision to find out Eternity, who journeyed to Denver, who died in Denver, who came back to Denver & waited in vain, who watched over Denver & brooded & loned in Denver and finally went away to find out the Time, & now Denver is lonesome for her heroes, who fell on their knees in hopeless cathedrals praying for each other's salvation and light and breasts, until the soul illuminated its hair for a second, who crashed through their minds in jail waiting for impossible criminals with golden heads and the charm of reality in their hearts who sang sweet blues to Alcatraz, who retired to Mexico to cultivate a habit, or Rocky Mount to tender Buddha or Tangiers to boys or Southern Pacific to the black locomotive or Harvard to Narcissus to Woodlawn to the daisychain or grave, who demanded sanity trials accusing the radio of hypnotism & were left with their insanity & their hands & a hung jury, who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers on Dadaism and subsequently presented themselves on the granite steps of the madhouse with shaven heads and harlequin speech of suicide, demanding instantaneous lobotomy, and who were given instead the concrete void of insulin Metrazol electricity hydrotherapy psychotherapy occupational therapy pingpong & amnesia, who in humorless protest overturned only one symbolic pingpong table, resting briefly in catatonia, returning years later truly bald except for a wig of blood, and tears and fingers, to the visible mad man doom of the wards of the madtowns of the East, Pilgrim State's Rockland's and Greystone's foetid halls, bickering with the echoes of the soul, rocking and rolling in the midnight solitude-bench dolmen-realms of love, dream of life a nightmare, bodies turned to stone as heavy as the moon, with mother finally ******, and the last fantastic book flung out of the tenement window, and the last door closed at 4. A.M. and the last telephone slammed at the wall in reply and the last furnished room emptied down to the last piece of mental furniture, a yellow paper rose twisted on a wire hanger in the closet, and even that imaginary, nothing but a hopeful little bit of hallucination ah, Carl, while you are not safe I am not safe, and now you're really in the total animal soup of time and who therefore ran through the icy streets obsessed with a sudden flash of the alchemy of the use of the ellipse the catalog the meter & the vibrating plane, who dreamt and made incarnate gaps in Time & Space through images juxtaposed, and trapped the archangel of the soul between 2 visual images and joined the elemental verbs and set the noun and dash of consciousness together jumping with sensation of Pater Omnipotens Aeterna Deus to recreate the syntax and measure of poor human prose and stand before you speechless and intelligent and shaking with shame, rejected yet con- fessing out the soul to conform to the rhythm of thought in his naked and endless head, the madman bum and angel beat in Time, unknown, yet putting down here what might be left to say in time come after death, and rose reincarnate in the ghostly clothes of jazz in the goldhorn shadow of the band and blew the suffering of America's naked mind for love into an eli eli lamma lamma sabacthani saxophone cry that shivered the cities down to the last radio with the absolute heart of the poem of life butchered out of their own bodies good to eat a thousand years.